Pirates vs. Vampires: The Eternal Struggle
on 11/6/2002 (27)
For years, there has been a long standing hatred between Pirates and Vampires, a hatred even greater than the hatred between man and beast or man and machine. These two powerful groups have battled for nearly five thousand years for supremacy of land, sea, day, and the night. This bitter feud all stems from the origins of these two once friendly groups.
|Once friends, now bitter enemies. |
In the early 8th century, Pirates and Vampires lived together in harmony on the wonderful island of Tahiti. Days consisted of laying around the beach, drinking rum, and games of Capture the Flag that lasted all through the night. Things were good for all Pirates and all Vampires. The two were inseparable, just like David and Goliath, who were also good buddies despite what you may have read elsewhere. Practically the only time when the two groups were apart was when the Vampires were feeding on the living or when the Pirates were hiding their treasure of gold doubloons and assorted booty.
Then faster than you can say "Holy crap, that was fast", things changed. During a routine game of capture the flag, Captain Morgan hid his team's flag in a small hole he had dug, a clear violation of their rules for Capture the Flag. "I was just so used to burying my treasure," claimed Captain Morgan, "I didn't even realize what I had done until it was too late." When this violation lead to a victory by the Pirate team, it greatly angered the Vampire leader, Count Dracula. Count Dracula became so angry that he rallied the Vampires and began a massive nonviolent protest against the Pirates until the official Capture the Flag records were changed to reflect this obvious cheating.
"I understand their claims," said Captain Morgan, "but we can't change the records. We wrote them in pen."
The Pirates didn't want to have the Vampires angry with them so they attempted to offer a compromise. They offered to cross out the old entry and make a new entry and even offered to write over the old entry so that it looked like the Vampires had won the game. And yet, Dracula would not accept these terms, asking for nothing less than traveling back in time and hiding the flag in a legal location. To this claim, the Pirates could not comply.
|I love the nightlife, I got to boogie on the disco 'round, oh yea. |
"We wanted to honor their wishes," said Black Beard the Pirate. "After all, the Vampires were our greatest friends and allies. But look at us, we're fricken Pirates, we can't travel back in time! Who do we look like, Manute Bol?!? And this isn't Star Trek either, we can't just whip around the sun and instantly be back in time! Not that I know what Star Trek or the sun is, but it defiantly doesn't sound possible."
The Vampires became very angry as the Pirates still refused their claims. Soon the two groups failed to communicate with each other. All the good times ceased as the Vampires planned to take what was theirs by any means necessary.
"One can only be pushed so far before they must take a stand," Count Dracula proclaimed at a Pro-Vampire rally held in the town square. "The Pirates have held us down for far too long. We must take a stand now. First the Pirates cheat us out of a Capture the Flag game, what is next? The time for action is at hand, we must rise up and destroy the Pirates before they destroy us all!"