Flat Chested Gals Named Top Sunbathing Scourge
on 7/27/2006 (2)
LAGUNA BEACH, FL - A recent survey conducted by the Florida Life Guard Association has identified short-haired, flat-chested women as "the greatest threat to beach-time fun and festivities" on Florida sand beaches today.
|Yes sir, you are flat! |
FLGA chairman Burt Fleer elaborates.
"Of all the body shapes and personality types, none forms as menacing and poisonous almagam as short-haired, flat-chested women. They seem to excel in barging in other beachgoers business like no other, flaunting rules and regulations and creating silly rules of their own for no other reason than an apparent perverse form of control and sheer power. It's quite mystifying."
Fleer described scenes of Frisbee kidnapping, flying empty beer can attacks, reporting dogs without leashes, verbally accosting mothers who let their kids play too close to the water unattended and vitriolic warnings directed at the more chestily endowed to "put your tops back on or you'll be driving back to Minnesota with a nipple on your forehead" and so on.
"I'm not sure what makes these gals so devilish. It might be jealousy, who knows? What amazes me is their energy level. If they translated it into volleyball or something, they'd be spiking more balls than Pam Anderson, that's for sure."
Fleer estimated that the most laid-back, subdued body types include large-breasted, long haired Latino gals, followed by similarly proportioned blondes, medium proportioned fair-skinned long haired girls and surprisingly, full-figured gals, who reportedly are "more absorbed in peeking up at a set of balls than kicking one around."
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