The 7 Strains Of Liberal
on 8/14/2006 (3)
Didn't write this one myself, but found it to be pure gold. Enjoy!
1. The Northeastern Greenback Liberal – This pasty-skinned, wealthy breed of liberal can be found in the reclusive white enclaves of Massachusetts, New York, and other parts of the Northeastern United States. The Greenback is quick to espouse liberal views yet strangely unwilling to sacrifice or share his lavish lifestyle and wealth. He wouldn’t dare mingle with “oppressed minorities”, yet his liberal white guilt forces him to sympathize with their plight. (see John Kerry)
2. The Intellectual – This liberal possesses an elevated sense of importance and moral superiority. He prides himself on being a torch bearer of tolerance and open-mindedness yet is quick to lash out and belittle those who disagree with him. This supposed pacifist's tendencies are overshadowed by his often violent temper tantrums when confronted with an opposing viewpoint. The Intellectual is extremely bitter and resentful that society has not accepted his ideology, so he utilizes positions of influence as a soapbox for his agenda. Beware of the Intellectual, as his name-calling and ad hominem attacks are often scathing and ruthless.
3. The Hollywood Lib – This rare species has overpopulated the West Coast. Although small in numbers this strain is indeed the most belligerent and obnoxious of all the species of lib. Their sheer arrogance leads them to believe that the American public actually cares what their position on certain issues is.
4. The Welfare Lib – The Welfare Lib is unflinching in his support for the candidate who promises the most material wealth for the least amount of work. (e.g., Clinton). Envious of those who are more productive and successful than him, this lib feels entitled to other people’s wealth without any associated effort.
5. The Hippie Lib – More entertaining than anything, the Hippie Lib can be found roaming the streets outside of the RNC, chanting slogans in a drug induced haze. The Hippie Lib clings passionately onto the 60’s lifestyle of self-destruction and poor hygiene, so very few of us take this breed very seriously.
6. The America-Hater – This homegrown lib despises the country in which he was born, yet is unwilling to relocate to such socialist paradises as Cuba, Venezuela, North Korea, China or France. The America Hater seems content with his niche here in racist, sexist, oppressive America.
7. The Gen X Lib – Forgive them for they know not what they say. These naïve young lib hatchlings are extremely impressionable, believing anything MTV tells them. Gen X Libs often hate their parents and the good life that they’ve sacrificed and slaved to provide for them.
So as you can see, there are many types of liberal, but be not afraid. Liberals are very skittish creatures, fleeing in panic at the first sign of danger.
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