Winona guilty, sentenced to 10 years on the WB
on 11/14/2002 (8)
The star studded trial of Winona Rider is finally over. On November 6th, a jury returned a verdict of guilty against Rider for grand theft and felony vandalism after allegations of stealing approximately $5,500 worth of merchandise from the Beverly Hills Saks Fifth Avenue. Now, days later, the court has reached a sentence. To repay her debt, Rider has been sentenced to appear on the WB network for the next ten years. While this may be a gain for the WB, it could possibly be the nail in the coffin of one of Hollywood's finest.
|Well you see, the reason it's stealing is because the clothes don't belong to you. |
"We considered many options in the sentencing of Winona Rider," commented the Judge. "Since this was her first offence, we opted to avoid any jail time and instead make up a ridiculous punishment that could ultimately put an end to her career. First, we considered forcing her to call everyone in the entire world to apologize for her actions. This was originally our plan, but then we realized that many parts of Canada are without phone or electricity. We considered sending Rider out there personally, but if she were to be eaten by a polar bear, which she most likely would be, it would make us feel really bad. Next we considered forcing her to act in the one woman musical reproduction of Battlefield: Earth. Fortunately for her, we couldn't bring ourselves to torture her so. So we finally decided that the WB would be the way to go. It would be a humbling experience if nothing else. Hopefully it would keep her from shoplifting too, the WB has strick policies against that."
Upon hearing the sentence, Rider was visibly disturbed, followed by bouts of vomiting in a scene not unlike one from the movie Exorcist. While Rider was unavailable for comment, had we spoken with her, we assume she would say the following: "My lawyer explained to me what stealing was. It's not my fault that my Hollywood society has never taught me right from wrong. And now because of society's ignorance, I am forced into working on sub par programming that UPN turned down." Keep in mind, this quote is a complete work of fiction, but through years and years of stalking... er, researching the habits and mannerisms of Winona Rider, I think it is safe to say that we here at Smooth Operator are the premiere Winona Rider experts and are not only fully qualified to speak for her in her absence but we are obligated to do so.
|It's not so bad... the WB has the Gilmore Girls... you like the Gilmore Girls, right? |
Lawyers representing Rider have already began taking action to have the sentence revoked. "Clearly, the judge had it out for her. He kept referring to my client (Rider) as 'That fucking bitch from Edward Scissorhands and he even tried to kill her once with a cafeteria napkin!"
"It was awful," said Rider, "I was just sitting there eating my mystery meat, which I suspect was actually some sort of fish, when the judge wrapped the napkin around my head and started yelling 'Die you fucking whore, die!' I kept thinking to myself, if Edward was still around, he could have knocked the judge away from me and stabbed him to death with his scissor hands. Just when I thought I was going to die, the paper thin napkin could no longer handle the stress and it broke, freeing me from my extra-absorbent prison."
"I admit I hate Rider, mostly stemming from a childhood incident that has left me a shell of the man I once was and has no real relation to her at all," commented the judg
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