The Tragic Life of an Underappreciated Accountant
on 8/23/2006 (0)
"I was a hot-shot bean counter, graduated at the top of my class," said former accountant turned janitor Scott Matson. "The world was going to be my oyster, a blank canvas on which to paint my sea-dwelling masterpiece, a piece of clay to shape into my own glorious pearl of success."
|Adventure, excitement... an accountant craves not these things. |
Four years out of school and nary a penny to his name, Scott now mops the floors at the third biggest accounting firm in West Virginia. Scott often sheds a bitter look back at how things went so aria.
"I was heavily recruited out of college by dozens of firms but I landed at Nelson, Nelson, and Pajero after they offered me a trailer full of money and a penthouse suite," recalls Scott. "I had money, power, and women. All I needed was a solid gold house and a rocket car and the dream would be complete."
While Scott never failed to impress with his accountmanship, he was even dubbed the 'Next Big Thing' by Numbers Bi-Quarterly Monthly, his lack of savvy for office politics proved to be his downfall.
"Some of the long tenured employees and management thought I was too brash, too cocky, too raw, and they decided to knock me down a peg," lamented Scott. "I started getting the shit accounting jobs. You know, guessing the number of jellybeans in a jar, counting the cars going through the McDonald's drive thru, making sure all the bathrooms had toilet paper."
Pretty soon the shit accounting jobs turned into simply the shit jobs.
"One day I spent the afternoon cleaning gum from the bottoms of tables in the cafeteria," said Scott. "The next day, I was serving food in the cafeteria. I even spent one summer trying to kill a gopher that was causing trouble at the Vice President's country club."
After a year of these getting all kinds of shit jobs, the accounting jobs were completely phased out from Scott's duties and most in the company forgot that he was even an accountant.
"Yeah, I know Scott," said midlevel manager Tim Paige. "He's the guy that cleans the executive bathroom. He really needs to learn to keep the paper towels stocked better though, I've been meaning to have a talk with him."
Along with the change in duties came a drastic reduction in pay and the new job title of "janitor".
"I really feel like my talents are being wasted here," said Scott. "Back in college, I counted to a billion. Twice. But they'd rather have me out here mopping floors, cleaning bathrooms, and taking out garbage."
Nelson, Nelson, and Pajero is a cutting edge accounting firm located in the vampire-free state of West Virginia. They are most famous for being the only accounting firm in the nation run entirely by holographic talking heads. When we asked the holographic talking heads if Scott would ever regain his job as an accountant, they simply replied "don't count on it".
Scott reportedly felt these comments were "clever" but stung like a "searing hot poker in the genitalia".
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