Yahoo Message Boards Crash, Millions Displaced
on 8/26/2006 (5)
(AP) In a shocking upheaval unseen since the terrible days of Hurricane Katrina, a server maintenence upgrade resulting in interrupted access to Yahoo's notorious message boards has left "millions of panicked posters displaced" according to Yahoo spokeswoman Sarojini Naidu.
|What are you really all about anyhoo, Yahoo? |
"Yahoo message boards are the biggest meeting place on the planet." Boasted Naidu. "We recently upgraded our hosting servers, and the boards have been down for 4 days for file maintenence. We knew there would be a fair measure of uproar, but not of these proportions. It is almost biblical in scope, quite shocking."
An understatement, indeed.
Yahoo message boards have become the Internet's most politicized and traveled public forum. By slyly avoiding almost all forms of moderation, Yahoo webmasters allow regular members, called "trolls", to post any and all subjects with apparent impunity from censorship or cancellation of service. Sexism, racism, political partisanism and even overt threats and obscenities are all allowed to ring free and unfettered on Yahoo, resulting in the Web's --and probably the world's-- most ferocious socio-political battleground seen or heard since the great civil rights and anti-war movements of the 1960's.
When Yahoo message boards crash, millions crash along with it.
Obsessive Yahoo troll Kris Kanker, a.k.a. "chimp_in_charge" snarled and fumed
"This is bullshit! Yahoo makes all that money from the ads, the least they can do is keep their fucking servers up and running. I have a running political agenda to spout and cons to crush over here, and Yahoo boards are the only place I can get it done right. Get your shit together, Yahoo!"
All across America, malaise-ridden, dysphoric Yahoo trolls scrambled to find a suitable substitute for their insatiable flame lust, but none would satisfy or suffice. Things began to get done. Lawns were cut. Children were helped with their homework for the first time in months, walls were washed and painted, and even garbage was bagged and curbed. Something wonderful was happening. A chrysalis burst forth, unfurling to the light of day.
"I-I need my Yahoo!" Wailed Belinda Krale, a.k.a. 'katnipsoxx', "There's an entire world full of assholes out there who don't know they're assholes! It's my job to fill them in! I-I...*sob!"
Fortunately, the file transfer upgrade would soon be resolved, and the painful withdrawal symptoms of the Yahoo legions would be fed and satiated once more. A Fix for the Ages, a morphium for all of mankind.
"We never expected our forums to get this big." Pondered Naishu "It just goes to show that people want to be heard and express their views, and they think that our boards give them a sense of power and purpose, as well as a vehicle to drive them home with. Our boards are what make Yahoo Yahoo. They are also what make us controversial. It's a mixed blessing in many ways."
The Yahoo programmers responsible for the forum downtime shrugged off any criticism, shrewdly noting "If you run out of pain medication on the weekend, sometimes you get the doctor on call, and sometimes you don't.""0" style0" style
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