America's Love Affair With The Blue Car
on 8/28/2006 (0)
As an overweight balding man wearing a white shirt and blue pants once said, "I'm not easily impressed." And then he added, "Wow, a blue car!"
|Wow, a blue car! |
For literally thousands of years, America has been fascinated by the concept of a car that is blue. Few experts know why but that has never stopped them from speculating.
"The blue color reminds man of their mothers," said local Tetris expert Don Shell. "My mom was very blue after I was born, she was always telling me how huge a disappointment I was."
The color blue was invented in 1976 by Monks attempting to discover a way to create a new color because the other colors of the rainbow had become "too corporate" and had shunned conventional values in their quest for money and power. Shortly afterward, Henry Ford applied this new color to his automobiles by a method he coined "painting". And the world was never the same.
"After the color blue was applied to cars, the number of traffic accidents doubled," said traffic analyst Joe Rupert. "Pedestrians walked into oncoming blue traffic like a fly to a warm toaster full of ham. Many drivers quit paying attention to the roads and often veered into oncoming cliffs, ravines, or carnivals upon the sight of the elusive blue car."
Noted celebrities nationwide drive blue cars, adding more fuel to the nation's desire to drive one such vehicle. Crazy unemployed scientologist Tom Cruise drives a blue 1973 Ford Pinto, which he says is a direct order by universe ruler Xenu. Multimillionaire basketball sensation Lebron James drives a 2002 blue Chevy Cavalier, a car he describes as "just as eye-catching as it is fuel-efficient". Even noted prescription-drug abusing talk show host Rush Limbaugh is getting into the act as the proud driver of a bright blue Pontiac Aztec given to him by sponsor Viagra.
Recent polling of American high school students revealed that children today are often drawn to blue cars at a very early age, most often by a parent that is equally fascinated by blue cars. 85% of high school students admitted to hoping to drive a blue car sometime in their lives and 45% said they routinely had dreams "of a sexual nature" involving blue cars. 5% of high school students were optimistic that some day they could have an operation to become a blue car.
"Blue cars are so freaking sweet," said high schooler Ralph Peterson. "I have a buddy that has a blue car and he gets laid all the time!"
Blue cars are currently the fastest selling automobiles in America, sold at a rate of nearly 12 to 1 when compared to other non-blue colors such as eggshell-brown and forest-orange. Industry analysts predict that because of high demands, it will only be a matter of ten years before all cars produced are blue. And that day could very well spelled the end for modern civilization.
"People will just stand around staring at cars," said noted doom-sayer Jerry Herman. "Nothing will get done ever. Factories will quit production of goods, service industries like gas stations and hookers will be unmanned, and the world will quickly degrade into a post-apocalyptic world that hasn't been seen since the days of the Carter Administration."
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