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Man Raised In Barn Refuses To Zip Up Fly
by Kris on 9/8/2006 (0)

"I know and I don't care!"
Whenever someone says to Ricky Anderson, "Zip up your fly, were you raised in a bar?" he emphatically answers, "No I won't and yes I was".

Ricky Anderson was born in 1965 to a family of poor squash-farmers. Too poor to buy a home with more than one bedroom, Ricky was forced to grow up living in the family's barn with cows, chickens, and piles of squash.

"It wasn't so bad of a life," recalls Ricky. "I got to eat a lot of squash."

One day in fourth grade, Ricky forgot to zip up his fly. One of his classmates pointed it out and asked if he was raised in a bar.

"I realized that day that I was raised in a barn and that gives me certain rights that aren't given to other normal folk," said Ricky. "I'm proud of who I am and where I came from and no one can change that. So I decided that I would never again zip up my fly."

Ricky's brash fashion statement though hasn't gone over very well with others that don't seem to understand his madness. He has lost jobs, been kicked out of stores, and made fun of by young children.

"We just had to let Ricky go," said Burger King store manager Brian Thompson. "He was clearly violating company dress policy. And we caught him stealing straws."

"I went out with Ricky once, but it was just too weird," said tollbooth operator Susan Jenkins. "What kind of freak does that on purpose? I was seriously afraid for my life. If he's publicly that disgusting, what does he do in private?"

Jobless, loveless, and soon to be homeless, Ricky still doesn't let any of this phase him.

"So many great figures faced adversity and prevailed, I feel like I am the next in that line," said an upbeat Ricky. "George Washington was tortured endlessly for lying about chopping down the cherry tree, Ben Franklin was constantly teased because of his likeness to the guy on the oatmeal box, and Moses was once even forced to roam the deserts because he refused to part the Red Sea. All three of these men prevailed and the world is a better place because of it. This is just my test and soon I will make my mark. It won't be long until people everywhere will walk around with a cool breeze flowing into their crotch just like me."


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