Man Fakes Death To Skip Work, Shocks Co-Workers By Attending Company Softball Game
on 9/22/2006 (0)
"You have to understand, I was really burnt out from work and I didn't have any vacation days left," explained mid-level widget engineer Daniel Morton. "You have no idea how demanding it is to design widgets until you do it for eight straight years."
|He's dead Jim. |
So Daniel did what any burnt out employee desperately needing time off would do, he faked his death.
"I always hoped I would die in a boating accident, but nothing is ever for sure," said Daniel. "Faking my death in a boating accident was the next closest thing. I figured by the time they finished dredging the lake for my body, I would be ready to go back to work."
Free from the shackles of work and worldly responsibilities, Daniel went wild. He hit strip clubs, casinos, dance clubs, and just about anywhere else that had beer, women, or some combination of the two.
"I haven't seen that many boobies since I dressed up as Margaret Thatcher and snuck into the girls shower in eighth grade," said Daniel of his trip to the strip clubs.
Meanwhile family and friends of Daniel were heartbroken by his tragic death.
"Sure he always talked about dieing in a boating accident, but I never thought that it would happen," said Daniel's mother. "He was so young and full of life. He still had a lot of widget designs left in him."
"I loved Daniel like he was brother," said co-worker Tom Paige. "Except replace love with like and brother with co-worker."
Yet Daniel's ruse came to a screeching halt at the grizzled hands of amateur league softball.
"I can't believe I forgot about the championship game," said Daniel. "No way was I going to miss that."
So Daniel arrived at the company softball game and made his way to his rightful place in left field, which his company had left empty as a show of respect to Daniel and disrespect to their opponents. Shocked co-workers looked on, not sure if they were seeing a ghost or a zombie risen from it's watery grave.
"My money is on zombie," said mailroom manager Henry Irons.
In front of all his teammates during the bottom of the fifth inning, Daniel finally came clean and explained faking his death.
"I think by that point, the cat was already out of the bag," said Daniel. "No way were they going to believe I was a zombie when I was 0-3… it's a well known fact that zombies are great softball players."
Daniel's company, Widget Corp International, went on to lose the game 13 to 2.
"Our heads really weren't in the game that night," said manager Jamie Holt. "It was a real shock to see Daniel alive and hitting so poorly. A few of our players actually ran off the field when they saw him, presumably because they thought he had risen from the grave to feast on their living flesh."
"I'm glad he's alive and all, but man did he stink it up," said entry-level widget peon Todd Helms. "It's pretty obvious he didn't take that time off to work on his swing."
Upon returning to work the following day, Daniel was promptly fired.
"I needed to send a message, I can't have my employees thinking that it's okay to fake your death whenever you need some time off," said CEO Mark Hornsbee.
"I don't regret faking my d
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