Do Racing Stripes Make Cars Go Too Fast?
on 10/3/2006 (2)
It's been a long held secret in the racing world that the simple addition of racing stripes to your vehicle can yield tremendous gains in horsepower and torque along with creating a stylish image that screams "I rule!"
Ernie Jones of Big Ernie's Performance Vehicles and Ham Sandwiches explains:
"When a car feels good about itself, when a car feels fast, that's when a car goes the fastest. Cars love racing stripes, they've been taught since they are young that cars with racing stripes are the fastest. When you put racing stripes on a car, it knows it should be fast and so it becomes fast. In terms of food, it's like if you took a ham sandwich and added more ham, it'd be that much faster!"
In fact, racing stripes add such a boost to speed that they've been banned on pubic roads in two of the fifty states in the USA.
"We had people flying off the roads, people crashing through coffee shops, and an uncontrollable supply of moonshine being shipped across our roads," said former governor of West Virginia Arch Moore. "Initially we attributed this to poor quality education and excessive drug abuse, but we later put the blame squarely on the shoulders of racing stripes."
NASCAR has taken an equally harsh stance, banning the use of racing stripes on vehicles since 1982 when nearly four hundred drivers were killed by crashes resulting from excessive speed.
Thousands of teenagers in America have inadvertently stumbled onto the secret of the racing stripes when attempting to make their figurative 1984 Ford Tempos look cool and triggered a nationwide debate on the legality of racing stripes on everyday vehicles.
"My ride is mad fast tight," said one such teenager. "I first put stripes on my ride to make it look cool, but damn G, my ride be flying now!"
Loosely translates, this means "My vehicle is fast and I'm a total douche bag who has a man-crush on Paul Walker."
This sort of situation has left parents nationwide fearful for not only the health and sexuality of their children but fearful for the lives of other drivers on the road.
"My little Johnny just learned how to drive, he shouldn't be out on the road with a 600 horsepower vehicle," said father Ted Marshall, who purchased his son a 500 horsepower Dodge Viper for his sixteenth birthday only to be horrified when little Johnny used his allowance to install a pair of racing stripes that added an additional 100 horsepower to his vehicle. "He's completely out of control, he destroyed our flower garden trying to get out of the driveway just two days ago. I'd honestly be shocked if he doesn't kill anyone and soon."
Godfrey Auto Accessories, the second largest producer of racing stripes in southeast North Dakota, insists that racing stripes are perfectly safe and should be standard equipment on all vehicles.
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