Sassy Newbie Jogger Reportedly Pretty Goddamm Proud Of Himself
on 10/4/2006 (0)
MERCURY, IL - Mercury, Illinois jogger Geraldo "Speedy" Rodriguez recounts sensations of "egotistical arrogance and self-righteous pride", while running his fifth mile around the 5th street circle loop for the 3rd time in one day.
|I think I can! I think I can!...Oh my dear God, I think I can't! |
"I was once lazy and sedentary myself, driving thru fast food restaurants and packing on the pounds, until I awoke to a better way. I started jogging a quarter mile a day, and soon it was a half, and then before I knew it, I was heading south with the geese. It was so liberating. I feel so....alive!"
The once grossly lethargic, 240 lb., rotund Rodriguez, now a svelte 180 and dropping, expressed "deep sympathy, scorn and remorse for the fat asses in their metal coffins driving to and fro each day to an untimely doom."
Rodriguez clomped a power bar, flipped off an SUV with a Frenchman's wave and tossed back a Gatorade sports drink in a near simultaneous, orchestrated motion.
"These people are proverbial, self destructive idiots . Can't they see what a mechanized, automated fast-food lifestyle is doing to them? I fell sorry for them in a way, but I feel a sense of contempt as well. They see me out here. They should be following my lead."
Meanwhile, grossly lethargic, 240 lb. former jogger and fitness nut Johnny Beaufort turned his wheel hard right, scoffing, "If that goon gets in the way of my Benz again today, I'm going to plow his silly Spandex ass right into the next oncoming Volvo." and lamentations from Rodriguez's wife Juanita, that "I wish another part of his body had a fraction as much energy and oxygen as his brain does."
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