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Hovel Dweller Laments Lifetime Of Decisive Indecisiveness
by Mark on 10/29/2006 (0)

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
EGRESS, MN - Egress, Minnesota, hovel dweller Russell Heinz laments a "lifetime of half baked dreams and indecisive decisiveness," according to a raggedy, disheveled Heinz late-nite Friday.

"Boy, I screwed my life up big-time."

Recursed Heinz amid the agonizingly slow sound of peeling gray paint

"My life started out with such promise. When I left high school with a 3.9 GPA, I had my choice of colleges, and I tanked it. I decided to stay close to home to be with my girlfriend and close to my parents and went to a community college instead. I finished 2 years there, and got a retail job at a local mall, made a few decent bucks for a kid my age, and found myself in the same place 10 years later. I made a few good friends, dicked around on the Web and had some kickin' it times, but overall, my decision plunged me into an intractable career path that eventually lead to my demise. To say I hate myself would be the overstated understatement of the year, to say the least."

Heinz wistfully recounted turning down a traveling job with a large PC manufacturer (Too far to drive with the possibility of Monday morning hangovers), an online web-master job with a local radio station (Just didn't feel like brushing up on my HTML during baseball season) and a subsequently highly lucrative auto detailing business venture with his brother (Who really wants to work with relatives, anyhow?) before resigning himself as a collections agent at an especially seedy local collection firm 10 years later.

"Man, oh man. If I could go back 20 years, the things I'd do different. I wasted so much time. I had dreams of a wife, 2 kids and a big house, and all I have are alimony payments and a slovenly inner city hovel. If I could give any advice to kids out there, I'd say find a career path and stay on it, and don't get distracted. It's damn near impossible to change things once you hit 40, that's for damn sure."

Heinz at least had plans of upgrading his hovel to cottage status pending myriad gallons of paint, a few hundred yards of lumber and an iffy city inspection, but coyly cautioned: "Once a hovel dweller, always a hovel dweller, I suppose. The only good part about it is that if you clean one room, you've cleaned them all, and there's always plenty of liquor stores around, true that!"

Heinz did lament, however, being able to toss a baseball around without hitting a police car, walking out to get the morning paper and not wondering who it belonged to, and bringing home girlfriends who "think that if a guy has a cell phone, a tattoo and a functional toilet it's the nads."


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