Man attempts to one up Christmas with Supermas
on 12/21/2002 (1)
Every year, many holidays come and go. Some bigger and better than others. Perhaps the biggest of these is the holiday of Christmas. It is the most celebrated, most marketed, and seemingly most liked of all holidays. But it is not liked by all, and some yearn to put an end to Christmas's current domination of the holiday scene.
|If there is anything scarier than a fat man who is capable of entering your house through the chimney while you sleep, I don't know what it is. |
"I hate Christmas" commented Jon Sharp. "When I was young, my bike was stolen on Christmas. I've hated it ever since." Jon grew up on a riverboat on the Mississippi River. For Jon, life was good. He had a house over his head and he had a bike. Then one Christmas, his bike was stolen, leaving him with only a house over his head. While many people would still be happy with having a house over their head, Jon was a quite greedy person and would settle for nothing less than a house and a bike.
"I can understand what he's feeling" said one local man. "I had my bike stolen once too. I guess everyone just has a different way of dealing with things. Some people make a new holiday, others talk about their feelings, and people like me go on an eleven state killing spree. Like they always say, to each his own."
Citing a sever hatred of Christmas and a burning itch that quite likely was herpes, Sharp has created a new holiday that will combine elements from other holidays and be bigger, and better, than any holiday to come before. He calls this holiday Supermas, named after the great hero Superman who is far better than normal man, much as Supermas is to be far better than any normal holiday, a super holiday if you will, designed to leave all other holidays dead in it's bloody wake. Supermas is to occur each year on December 21st. "I chose the 21st because I figured everyone would be so tired out from Supermas, it would take them three days to fully recover so that they could realize how much, in comparison, Christmas sucks" commented Sharp.
The basis for the celebration of Supermas will be around the deeds of four almighty warriors, known as the "Four Almighty Warriors". On December 21 of some unknown year in the mid 90's, each of these four saved the world from different threats. After learning of each other's great deeds through a mutual acquaintance, they united together and threw a giant party in honor of themselves. The Four Almighty Warriors are Bob the Destroyer, Steve the Janitor, Jan the Woman, and Doug.
Bob the Destroyer single handedly put an end to tyranny at a local Wal-Mart. After doing some last minute Christmas shopping, Bob took his three items to the express lane. Upon reaching said express lane, he came to the startling discovery that the woman in front of him had thirteen items, one more than was allowed at the express lane! "She knew she had thirteen items and yet she still stood in line" Bob was quoted as saying during his trial later that year. Bob became outraged. "I was really mad," he later commented. Bob knocked over the woman's cart and set fire to it using his magical fire breath. He then left his money for his purchases on the counter and left the store, never to return again... mostly because of a court order that forbid him from ever returning again.
Steve the Janitor was a simple high school janitor. Classes were over for the day and Steve lingered behind, cleaning the halls and goin
|Never mind that first caption. This is far scarier. |
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