President's Leaked Speech Reveals Bold New Iraq Strategy: More of the Same, But Bigger
Washington (WPI) - A leaked copy of the President's address tonight indicates that the President will call for "a bold new visionary strategy of continuing to do what we have been doing so far" in Iraq, "only bigger." To aid a strained military in that task, President Bush proposes the creation of a "Reagan Brigade" of neo-conservative volunteers, supplemented by the deployment of up to 40% of postal workers and other government workers.
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"It may seem that we lack options in Iraq," reads the Presidential speech. "However, I assure you this is not so. In fact, I've barely gotten started." The speech then goes on to list several further programs the Administration began implementing today:
Project Potemkin, which will replace actual American military units with large plastic models, so as to free the personnel and equipment for actions elsewhere in Iraq. In the speech, President Bush cites approvingly the anti-fascist Lincoln and Washington brigades of the Spanish Civil War, made up entirely of American volunteers, and proposes the creation of a new "Reagan Brigade" made up entirely of American supporters of the invasion of Iraq, to be sent to supplement and, in some cases, replace American military forces in Iraq.
Project True Belief, in which large numbers of Americans will infiltrate extremist Muslim militias in Iraq by claiming to have converted to either Shia or Sunni Islam.
Project Virtual Freedom - a project to design and build online a new Iraq made up of happy Iraqi villagers grateful to the US for bringing to them democracy.
"Now is the time for all Iraq war supporters to put up or shut up!" reads the speech. "Given the strong support for this war by various conservative-funded college newspapers and columnists, we expect large numbers of conservative college students and columnists to enlist in the Reagan Brigade. Unless, of course, they're fifth columnists!" the President's speech reads, making a little Spanish Civil War joke.
At present time, no college students - conservative or otherwise - have stepped forward to join.
President Bush notes that his new strategy will demand more from civilians.
"So far," the leaked Presidential speech reads, "I have justified our struggle in Iraq as crucial to the existence of our nation - yet oddly I have not actually called on most Americans to make any sacrifice whatsoever other than to go shopping a lot." The Bush speech then notes that this situation will change, as civilians learn to make do with only four days of postal service per week while postal workers are deployed overseas. If the Reagan Brigade does not attract enough volunteers, the President plans to start sending up to 40% of postal workers and other government employees to Iraq to serve in non-combatant positions. "This will give a whole new meaning to the term 'going postal'" reads the President's speech.
The President, as expected, remains steady in his conviction that our invasion of Iraq somehow helped, rather than harmed, the situation of the United States - and in his conviction that US forces should remain in Iraq indefinitely. "The great Albert Einstein," the President's sp
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