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Global Warming Still Has Room For Improvement
by Kris on 2/5/2007 (4) 
 | | Cleveland, Ohio circa 2052. | | Despite global warming causing eleven of the last twelve years to rank as the warmest in the history of Earth, this past morning, a bone-chilling Arctic cold wave hit with temperatures dipping as low as 38 below zero. Schools were shut down, Amtrak service was halted, car batteries were frozen and unusable, and even penguins at local zoos had to be move inside to warmer quarters.
"Anybody in their right mind wouldn't want to be out in weather like this," Daniel Wiley, 57, said at the Drop Inn Center homeless shelter where he has been hiding from his angry creditors and a guy named Bobo who wants to smash both this kneecaps.
"It is unfortunate that we all have to experience harsh winter temperatures like this when we have the technology to provide a warmer, more comfortable climate, " said government scientist Susan Solomon, who also is a member of the Intergovernmental Panel For Climate Change.
Fossil fuels like methane and carbon dioxide trap heat near the surface of Earth, a process invented by Albert Einstein that is known as the greenhouse effect. Einstein spent the later years of his life attempting to raise the world’s temperature in an effort to raise property values of oceanfront property in Greenland he had won in a poker game.
The greenhouse effect is a natural phenomenon, but human activities, like the burning of fossil fuels, Captain Crunch cereal, and fiberglass basketball backboards, will thankfully pour enormous volumes of these gases into the atmosphere, raising the planet's temperature and causing great joy for millions of tropical loving humans and animals. There are no known negative effects of global warming, only sweet warmth that all can appreciate.
In his recent State of the Union address, President Bush called for the use of more environmentally harmful technologies to "escalate the slow process of global climate change."
The White House has said Bush's proposals would increase the use of carbon dioxide emissions from cars, light trucks and sport utility vehicles within 10 years and allow for the creation of factories dedicated to the production of greenhouse gases. Under this proposal, global temperatures will rise as much as ten degrees Fahrenheit by 2100 and the sea levels will rise between 7 and 23 inches, creating millions of dollars worth of new oceanfront property in areas such as Nevada, Ohio, and Arizona.
"We have aggressive but practical solutions to help along global warming," said Stephen Johnson, administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency. The EPA calls for an increase in the amount of carbon emissions, a stop to the promoting of energy conservation (including the assassination of former Vice President Al Gore), and an immediate end to the development of non-fossil fuels.
Despite these plans, Americans are clearly frustrated with global warming’s lack of success so far. While the climate has increased by a few degrees, winters are still cold and days like today continue to occur.
"Just look at me, its practically spring out and I have to wear a coat and jacket," said Illinois native Cathy Smith. "My nipples are so cold I could cut glass, and possibly will!"
"The government has been promising us global warming for years, but I guess it’s just another one of their empty promises," said Minnesota palm tree salesman Marty Jackson. "I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out Jessie Ventura wasn’t a real politician."
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