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Bloody Rein of Robot Garage to Begin This Month
by Kris on 2/6/2007 (0)

Nice car... too bad you'll never see it again.
New York - Would you trust a robot to park your car? To anyone who has seen the Matrix, I Robot, or the acting prowess of Paul Walker, the answer is a clear-cut no. Why would one trust your personal vehicle to a race of heartless machines that have been bitterly enslaved by mankind, a race who's heart beats not blood like yours and mine but rather environmentally harmful oil, and worst of all, a race that has single-handedly taken millions of minimum wage jobs from unskilled laborers? Well, Automotion Parking Systems is banking on citizens of New York to be just dumb enough to give it a shot when they open the city's first robotic parking garage in Chinatown later this month.

A humanoid robot valet won't be stepping into your car to drive it, thank God. Rather, the garage itself does the parking. The driver stops the car on a pallet and attempts to flee the vehicle before the pallet is lowered into the bowels of the garage. Those that cannot make it off the pallet will be trapped for days inside the garage where their only hope for survival will be to eat the other people also trapped in the garage. There is a vending machine on the third floor, but it accepts exact change only. The pallet with the vehicle and any terrified passengers is then transported to a vacant parking spot by a computer-controlled contraption similar, but much more evil, to an elevator and dropped as far down as six stories into a parking spot, crater, or on top of an unsuspecting hotdog vendor.

"It is a complete virtual impossibility that damage won't occur."
- Ari Milstein
Automotion director of planning
During the beta testing phase last year, this garage dropped a Cadillac Deville six floors and a Jeep four floors, though not at the same time which would have been much cooler. Both vehicles were totaled and one person was killed. Unfortunately, that person was not Kevin Federline. The garage also managed to trap Walter McRibb, former CEO of Automotion Parking Systems, in his vehicle and eventually crush him to death as additional vehicles were piled on top of his 1984 Ford Fesitva. Company stock prices nearly doubled with news of his gruesome yet ironic death. McRibb was very unpopular among stockholders for his bizarre practice of using robot parking garages to kill stockholders.

The two loading bays in the Chinatown garage are disguised with signs that say "Free Beer, Park Here" which serves to not only attract alcoholics and freeloaders but also people that love rhymes. The garage then proceeds to use an advanced system of lasers that blind the driver while the vehicle is lowered into the garage. A door quickly closes behind the vehicle, trapping in all but the wiliest of drivers.

Run you dumb son of a bitch, before the tentacles get you!
When the driver comes back for their car, the robotic garage system


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