Local Man fears resurrection of 1985 Chicago Bears
on 12/30/2002 (5)
The 1985 Chicago Bears are arguably the greatest team in the National Football League history. Behind the coaching of Mike Ditka, the arm of quarterback Jim McMahon, the running of Walter Payton, and one of the most dominating defenses in the history of the game, the Chicago Bears went 15-1 in the regular season, advanced through the playoffs, and capped their season with a 46-10 thrashing of the New England Patriots in Super Bowl 20. And now, after a ghostly encounter, local man Todd Johnston fears their return.
|They're back, and they're pissed off. |
"They will return," Todd said. "The ghost of Mike Ditka told me so." Todd was visited by the ghost of Mike Ditka late one night while taking a walk in the woods and "not smoking crack", as he stated.
According to Todd, an ancient Egyptian artifact known as the Crystal of McMahon will soon be recovered from an excavation site in Egypt. This artifact will inadvertently be used to resurrect the 1985 Chicago Bears. "The Crystal of McMahon looks surprisingly like a chocolate donut. Someone will try and eat it. And then, the Bears will return," warned Todd.
"All this comes as a surprise to me," said Bears former head coach Mike Ditka, who is currently working as an analyst and commentator for CBS. "Most of all was that I had a ghost. I always assumed one had to be dead before they could have a ghost."
Ditka makes a good point in this previous statement. Most of the 1985 Bears are still alive and well, or so General Mills would have us believe. "They're all robots," Todd stated. "The real Bears were killed in a freak cooking accident while filming a commercial for Betty Crocker. General Mills, owner of the Betty Crocker name, felt this would be horrible publicity for their company and replaced all the 1985 Bears with robot counterparts so that no one would ever know."
"That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard," commented Ditka. "I think I would know if I was a robot."
|Now, did God create Da Bears, and make them superior to all teams? Or is he simply a huge fan, and Ditka made them superior to all other teams? |
Todd would have to disagree. "I would have to disagree" disagreed Todd. "He's programmed not to know. If he did know, he might let the secret out."
"I assure you, we here at General Mills have never accidentally killed an entire football team and replaced them with robot replicas," stated General Mills' Chief Executive Officer Stephen Sanger. "As much as we'd like to, we just don't have that sort of technology now, much less back in 1985."
Since here is no way to validate the authenticities of these claims to be either true or false, we must take them as fact and now the real question becomes "What do the 1985 Bears want?"
"They're angry," said Todd. "Very, very angry." And who can blame them, recent polls indicate that 65% of Americans would be very angry if they were killed and replaced with robots and 10% would be slightly angry. 7% indicated that they would be indifferent to the change. "Robots can jump very high and can shoot fire out of their eyes, I don't think it would be all that bad to be a robot," said one of those surveyed.
Todd claims that the Bears will return on the eve of Super Bowl XXXVII, Saturday January 25th, 2003. From here, they will travel from grocery store to grocery store, laying waste to the cereal isles of each before moving on to the next store. All General Mills cereal products will be destroyed. "This prov
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