Giant Pyramid Built in Suburbs Angers Neighbors
on 2/17/2007 (6)
Dozen Acre Woods, Arizona - When successful entrepreneur Richard Gains made plans to move into their neighborhood, the community embraced him. Gains made millions of dollars in the well respected business of buying and selling pumpkin, squash, and eggplant stocks. Neighbors looked forward to having such an influential figure in their community and hoped that he would draw others like him and maybe even chase away the Mongolians that had begun settling there do to the reasonable properties taxes and lack of any sort of protective wall.
What they got though was a horror so horrific, so terrible, so awful that my poor knowledge of the English language could never hope to adequately explain it.
"It was fine at first, Mr. Gains seemed like your typical neighbor," recalled one neighbor. "We had cookouts and played bridge and plotted to overthrow the establishment, the usual guy stuff. Then the army of slave labor arrived followed by the giant blocks of granite and limestone."
Gains and his army of slave labor proceeded to construct a 200 foot tall pyramid structure, the biggest true Egyptian style pyramid constructed in since ancient Egyptian times nearly a hundred years ago. The structure dwarfed the surrounding homes, most of which were one or two stories tall and rarely taller than 20 feet tall. Those living next to the pyramid have been cast in darkness by it's shadow, killing off plant life and any hopes of basking in a warm summer's sun. All the slave labor has also taken it's toll on parking in the area, which was sub par at best before the arrival of a seamlessly endless army of slave labor, most of whom refuse to carpool. And trying to find a table at any of the local restaurants on a Saturday night is now nearly impossible.
"Richard is a dick" became the rallying cry of the neighbors who now sought to have him forcibly removed from the area, his pyramid house reduced to rubble, and his slave labor sent back to wherever slave labor comes from.
"If I wanted to see a pyramid in my backyard, I would have moved to ancient Egypt," said angry neighbor Marty Hornchair. "I don't think my wife would ever go for that though, she can really be a bitch sometimes. Oh how I would love to frolic in the sand, making sand angles and sand forts and trying not to be killed by scorpions and mummies. Me and King Tut would form the 'Marty and Tut Detective Agency' and have many zany adventures solving crimes like who stole the Sphinx's nose and who incurred the mummy's wraith."
Numerous community meetings have been held but they have been unsuccessful in finding any way to have Gains evicted. Gains has paid his bills and there are no rules against building giant pyramids as long as they pass the building inspection and aren't painted bright pink. The bright pink stipulation had been added a few years ago when residents feared former NBA player Dennis Rodman would purchase a home in the area.
| "I like to think of this pyramid as my own personal Castle Dracula and thus myself as this town's evil vampire ruler. It's my childhood dream come true." |
| - Richard Gains|
Millionaire and douchebag.
"This is something we never considered when we began planning the community," said<
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