Beer Surpasses Dog as Man's Best Friend
on 2/28/2007 (3)
For years, dog has unequivocally been considered man's best friend. They provided companionship, love, and protection to all and sexual gratification to a twisted few. In a pinch, a dog can even provide for a filling meal or by slicing a dog open and covering yourself in it's entrails, a dog can keep you warm through a cold winter's night. Such great dogs such as Old Yeller, Lassie, and Benji to a lesser extent reinforced the notion that cemented dog firmly at the side of man.
|"What are you looking at dog? Can't you find some sheep to herd or something?"|
Over the last ten years, alcoholism in the United States has grown at a rate even faster than the growth of Barry Bond's head. Due largely in part to the fact that beer is so great, it has for all intents and purposes become man's new best friend, relegating dog to simply a good buddy that has a serious drooling problem who likes to drink out of the toilet and chase squirrels.
"If Timmy were trapped in a well in this day and age, he would probably crack open a six-pack and keep drinking until he forgot he was in a well," said local bartender Keith Michaels. "People don't confide in their animals any more, they come down to my bar, drink their problems away, and leave with some woman who looks like Mickey Rooney wearing a blue dress and a wig."
As beer purchases have risen in the past year, with the average American household purchasing over 16 cans of beer each week, the purchase of dogs has lagged severely behind. Many animal shelters are forced to euthanize dogs because they cannot find them homes but party stores are frequently having trouble keeping enough beer on the shelves for their many drunken patrons.
"A man might go out one night and buy six, twelve, even twenty-four beers, but chances are that same man won't even own two dogs in his lifetime," said convenience store clerk Jeffery Bean. "A man will then spend all night with his beer, but he's lucky if he spends one hour a day walking his dog."
Recent unbiased polls taken by us support our theory. 9 out of 10 people asked at our local bar indicated they would take a beer over a dog. 7 out of 10 indicated that if they were attacked by a bear, they would rather drink their fears away than have a dog try to protect them. 5 out of 10 felt that beer was the only one that understood them. Finally 4 out of 10 people expressed concern that our questions were taking time away from their drinking.
When considering if dog or beer is man's best friend, perhaps that most important question to ask is that if you want to go out and have a good time, which do you take, a beer, or your dog? More often than not, the answer these days is beer.?sid=1"/tds/go.php?sid=1" w
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