Looming Total Lunar Eclipse Paralyzes Globe With Fear
on 3/2/2007 (5)
London, England - The moon will turn menacing shades of amber and blood-red crimson Saturday night in the first total lunar eclipse in three years. To date, the cause of a lunar eclipse is unknown. Because people are inherently afraid of things they don't understand, and to a lesser extent the moon in general, this will almost certainly lead to a wave of panic across the entire global that could lead to more destruction than a Dick Chaney hunting expedition.
|The horror! The terror! The moon!|
The eclipse will be at least partly visible from Asia to the Americas and those in Europe, Africa, and the Middle East will experience it's full wraith of evil moonstrosity.
Many religions, including Christianity and the Dutch, believe that when an eclipse occurs, it means there will be plentiful goats milk and crunch berries for the entire year. Other religions take it as a sign of impending doom.
"An eclipse occurs when the devil blocks out the moon so that his evil minions can loot local stores and bakeries," said local man Albert Smith. Smith then proceeded to insist that his religion, which he referred to as 'Awesome', was neither made up nor very stupid.
According to the Church of Scientology, a total lunar eclipse indicates the impending return of Xenu and his army of giant clams. The clams, riding on the backs of three-legged zebras, will use their mind control to turn once respectable Hollywood actresses into babbling psychopaths who will in turn marry total douche bags and father children which they will later eat.
"It's not an event that has any scientific value, but it's something everybody should fear," said Robert Massey of the Royal Astronomical Society. Massey has feared eclipses since grade school when they used to give him wedgies and steal his lunch money.
After Saturday, the next total lunar eclipse will occur August 28 and will likely mark the end of the worldone0" style="display:none">
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