The True Story of Saint Patrick
on 3/16/2007 (2)
Common legend credits Saint Patrick with banishing snakes from the island of Ireland with nothing but a flute and an army of mind controlled cattle. But the true tale is much more sinister than either you or I could possibly imagine nor dare to dream.
|God damn leprechauns, let's kill them all!|
In the 1700's, the entire island of Ireland was covered by glaciers. Yetis ruled over the people... but they were kind and just creatures and lived in harmony with the Irelanders. Beer flowed like beer and everything was good. The people were drunk, the Yetis were content, and castles were surrounded by the most majestic moats you could ever imagine. Even the homeless living on the streets always had a hint of whiskey on their breath.
It was a glorious time but the gloriousness would prove to be fleeting. Despite the warnings of time traveling future Vice President Al Gore, the Irelanders continued to run their smog factories with minimal environmental controls and the Glaciers began to recede. By the early 1800's, the glaciers were gone and so were the Eskimos that lived on them. Without the Eskimos, which were the primary food source of the Yetis, the Yetis were forced to leave the county for colder pastures.
Unbeknownst to the people of Ireland, the Yetis had provided more than just cool looking footprints in the snow, a strong economy, and sexual gratification. The Yetis provided the island protection from perhaps the most cruel race in all of known history. Obviously, I am talking about Leprechauns.
Bitter about a genetic condition that capped their height at a mere 4 feet tall and consumed them with the greed of a thousand Microsofts, they forced the Irelanders into slavery, forced to work 23 hours a day in their gold and rainbow mines. Millions of Irelanders died of alcohol withdrawal and thousands of others took up gasoline huffing, a fate arguably worse than death.
At the age of 18, Saint Patrick enlisted in the worldwide anti-evil organization No-Evil. He spent the next ten years of his life learning to use the world's most powerful weapons to stop the world's most powerful evil. Saint Patrick was saw numerous combat missions including twice foiling Satan and his armies of Hell and once stopping the notorious Hamburgler from pulling off what would have been the largest hamburger heist in recorded history.
All the combat and all the training left Saint Patrick little time to keep up on what was going on in his native land. Upon learning of his brother's death at the hands of a particularly cruel leprechaun slave master, Saint Patrick return to Ireland to avenge the death.
Saint Patrick was shocked at how much things had changed since over the past ten years. Where there were once fields full of his drunken brothers, there were now open pits and railroad cars full of blood gold. Where there were once smelly white giants, there now stood smelly green midgets. Drawing on years of training and fueled by vengeance and beer, Saint Patrick began moving from town to town, killing all leprechauns he found on the way.
The leprechauns had found the Irelanders to be an easy target. They were drunk and thus easy to defeat, most often bested by a simple 'touch your nose' test. Saint Patrick was no ordinary drunk... blessed with the alcohol tolerance of Ted Kennedy, not even the strongest mixed drink or Jagger Bomb could stop Saint Patrick.
The final showdown took place at the leprechaun capital city of gold, Eduardo. The leprechauns threw everything at Saint Patrick they could, pelting him with four-clovered<
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