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New Caves Found on Mars Could Solve Hermit Overpopulation Problems
by Kris on 4/4/2007 (0)

"What the hell are you looking at, haven't you ever seen a pixellated old man livin in a cave?!?"
Hermits prefer to live an isolated, solitary life, away from the prying eyes of anyone anywhere. While sometimes they make their homes in deserts and forests, it is no secret that their preferred residence is the cave.

"Caves are great," said long time hermit Ben Teller. "The cave itself provides a roof over my head and the bats living inside provide an endless food source. It’s much nicer than the desert where I used to live. There I had to worry constantly about mummy attacks and was forced to sleep inside a hollowed out camel."

In recent years, due to a recent hermit population explosion attributed to global warming and the breakup of 1990’s super group N’SYNC, finding such a secluded cave has become more and more difficult. The number of worldwide hermits had tripled since 2000 yet the number of caves has seen only a 5% increase. Many hermits have even lowered their standards and are now living in abandoned areas of Detroit, Michigan.

Recent photographs by Mars Odyssey's Thermal Emission Imaging System may have stumbled upon a solution to the previously alluded to problem. The Mars-orbiting satellite spotted seven dark spots near the planet's equator that scientists think could be entrances to underground caves, perfect in every way for the life of a hermit.

The openings of the caves range from about 330 to 820 feet wide, and one of them, named Dena after Dena the Cave God, is thought to extend nearly 430 feet beneath the planet's surface. These caves are so large they could house dozens of hermits without fear of any of them ever running into each other ever. And there are more than enough space bats to feed the hermits for centuries.

"I wish we could put all Earth’s hermits in these caves," said Glenn Cushing of Northern Arizona University, who first spotted the black areas in the photographs and has hated hermits ever since they drove his family out of Ireland in the mid-1980s.

Talks with NASA to send hermits to Mars are still in preliminary stages. The response from hermits has been so great that there is already a waiting list of seven hermits wishing to escape the shackles of their Earthly prison. NASA is hoping to begin sending hermits to Mars by 2010. The cost of sending a hermit to Mars is estimated to be $11 million.h=0" hei


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