The Lost Art of Cow Tipping
on 4/21/2007 (7)
In a society today dominated by iPods, video games, and television, one of America’s greatest former pastimes has fallen into serious neglect, so much so that many of the youth today have not only not experienced it but have often never even heard of it. Obviously, I am talking about the sport of kings, or, as it is more commonly known, good old-fashioned cow tipping.
|Follow these three steps and you'll be cow tipping in no time!|
The premise of cow tipping is simple. Wait until an unsuspecting cow goes to sleep, sneak up on the previously mentioned unsuspecting cow, and topple it to the ground. Celebrate said tipping of cow with the traditional drinking of the cheapest beer you can find and possibly an intimate moment with a bucktooth girl in a cornfield. Many fail to realize though that the fine art of cow tipping is more than just brunt force and a sneak attack. Years of knowledge of physics, cow anatomy, and general debauchery passed down from drunken father to drunken son have enabled the seemingly impossible to be possible.
The death of cow tipping has been accelerated by claims by the “establishment” that cow tipping is nothing more than an urban legend much like alligators in the New York City sewers, Bloody Mary appearing from a mirror when called, and that Nigerian email scam I keep falling for. Popular 1990’s television show the X-Files even once tried to do an episode revolving around a series of mysterious cow tippings but the FCC would not allow it to be broadcast. This censorship has led to today’s generation of children never even attempting the glorious act. Much of the reason for this cover-up stems back to an incident in the 1970’s in which many high ranking politicians (for sake of argument, let’s call them Ted Kennedy) were caught in the act and the government quietly silenced any and all witnesses, so well so that information about the incident or it’s exact participants has never been mentioned to this very day.
Critics of cow tipping have been quick to point out the physical impossibilities of performing such feats, throwing out numbers and facts that seem to justify their so called conclusions. Yet many of the same critics doubted the mother who lifted the car off her child or the ability of Hulk Hogan body slamming Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania 3. When pushed to the limit, the human body is more than capable of performing astounding feats. Don’t ever tell Harvey Kelp of Oxford, Iowa that you can’t tip a cow. Harvey has been tipping cows so long that he knows the exact pressure point to push a cow, knocking it to the ground with but a single finger. In the vernacular of cow tipping jargon, he has “the touch”.
“Show me a cow and I will show you a man tipping a cow,” proudly boasted Harvey between sips of his half drunken forty ounce of Colt 45. Harvey grew up in the vast farm expanses of Iowa and like many of his classmates, spent the better part of his formative years tipping cows. He has been arrested three times and shot twice while tipping cows.
While the danger of cow tipping has drawn many to the sport much like cliff diving and dating a former child star, it has chased equally many away. Aside from the cow itself, which will surely crush then devour anyone who should awaken the fearsome beast before it can be toppled, a cow tipper must also face retribution from two more fearsome forces, the farmer with a pitchfork and the farmer with shotgun.
The farmer with a pitchfork brands a three and sometimes four-pronged pitchfork, often times waving it in the air while yelling obscenities like “Da
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